Sunday, May 30, 2010

Santa: Sexual and... Scary?

It has recently dawned on me that Santa is NOT the jolly old man we think he is. In fact, he is quite the opposite. Oh, sure, people have had such realizations before: "OH MY GOD SANTA IS SATAN CAUSE THE LETTERS CAN SPELL THAT OMG OMG!"

But, really, people. Let us analyze this ever-popular figure in a manner of truth and logic.

Santa is overtly sexual. Call him a pedophile, if you will.
Hey, little boy, why don't you sit on my lap and tell me what you want? Wink, wink.
In the meantime, your child is giving Santa a lap dance while bouncing up and down in delight over his fantasies, and Santa over there is creaming in his red suit. That sheen on his "rosy cheeks"? Yeah, that's not from the type of joy you think it is. Got it?

Now let's take the image of Santa: his suit is red. What is red but the color of lust, the color of evil? Red is SEXY. When you want to look hot, you wear a red dress on that date to meet the man of your dreams hoping to get laid. What does Santa wear? You got it: red.

How about facial hair? What else is the sign of manly prowess? Hey, I can grow a beard. Think about high school, when all those boys struggling to reach the peak of puberty were dying for a touch of 'stache, just a little goatee. Santa is the epitome of a man: he's got the facial hair to prove it. Thus, he is flaunting his sexual prowess. Let's just say, the longer the beard, the longer the... Well. You know what I mean.

And now, I know you're thinking: "Well shit... This makes Santa a little scary! He's an enigmatic figure of joy and giving that I've believed in my entire life up until the point that I realized fantasies would never become reality and happily ever after was a lie!"

And you're right. Santa IS scary. What is scarier than a fat person, hmm??

On top of that, what is scarier than a fat pedophile, dressed seductively in red, with the beard to prove is male prowess?

I don't know. You tell me.

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